I was out, like, a couple weeks ago, I don't fucking know, with my friend and her daughter, who I was meeting for the first time. The kid isn't fresh out the oven or anything, I just suffer from severe agoraphobia which is my excuse for being a deadbeat friend, so, a lot of connections made pre-covid have died on the vine or have reached extended family status (read: a couple times a year around the holidays). Anyhow, I was way late to welcoming her to the world or whatever and I should probably feel guilty for that, and I do feel guilty for that, so, I guess all is right in the world. Anyhow, we were at Applebee's (Go, Panthers.) and my friend had to get up for a moment. She asked me to stay with her daughter. I'm really bad with kids, like, really bad with kids. Being around kids made me realize that I would probably be a terrible father and should probably never have kids and that whatever illusion I entertain about ever being a parent is likely just the manifestation of daddy issues trying to self-resolve by in turn becoming my hypothetically own parent and "correcting" whatever wrongs my self-righteousness feels it was dealt developmentally. But it's cool. What's the worst that could happen? Was her high chair gonna tip over and spill her onto the floor? (I always pronounce it, "height chair," idk why, I guess I'm just stupid.) Probably not. Due to my gross incompetence and lack of responsibility towards even myself, entrusting a child's safety to a manchild like me for even a moment is a risk but it was apparently a gamble she was willing to take, so, alright. So, I'm looking at this baby and she's a really cute kid. She has her mother's eyes. What really struck me, though, was that I was looking at this baby who has no idea that as long as I've known her mother (I've known my friend since 2018.) she has been wanting to have a child. This baby has no idea what hardships, struggles, and probably doubts her mother had to go through in order to have her. This baby's life was someone else's dream come true. I'm at the age where most functional (and even more dysfunctional) people have already procreated and, truth be told, there are a lotta babies that weren't exactly planned. (Way too many "Oops! I forgot to take my birth control and didn't tell you. Guess you owe me a ring!" situations for me to feel comfortable.) It was a really intense moment of realizing how valuable a human life is, not because of accomplishments or taste in music or personality, but inherently. I just kept thinking this baby has no idea yet how lucky she is to have a mother who wanted her so badly and loves her so much. Then it hit me, "Oh, fuck. I have one of those, too." My mom and I both nearly died when I was born. (Sorry about that, Mom. I didn't quite stick the landing with the whole "being born" thing.) I'm walking around, taking my life for granted, allowing myself to be taken advantage of for the slightest chance of approval, and somebody almost died just to make sure I was born. Then that person raised me and dealt with a lot of stuff that nobody deserves for, like, 20-some years. With that knowledge, it's really hard to just "get through the day" or accept a mediocre life. (I don't know that I believe in such a thing as a "mediocre life." Doesn't that imply that God's work is hit-or-miss and that some people's lives are like B-plots in the story of life? but in case they do exist, I don't wanna be an example of that.) It's impossible not to do my best with that pressure weighing down on me. What? I'm supposed to ease into my spot on the bench, waiting around for someone to give me a miraculous chance? And what then? I already wasted all my life sedentary instead of preparing for the best. I'm Scottish, German, Italian, and Irish; I'm only happy when I'm fighting. Fuck it, I'll break the door down. I don't need other people to value me to have self-worth because I was born with it.
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AuthorI will update this as soon as I can, as long as I don't feel too anxious about it. I have a rough draft of a blog ready to go but it definitely needs some polishing. This whole page will be updated ASAP. Archives
November 2023
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