Gratitude.

​It's been a difficult year. Things have been bad for a long time and they never got an easier. It was the first time I ever felt life wasn't worth it. I have been on a journey to find a life worth living but so far I've only made wrong turns into dead ends. I've been grasping at straws to make sense of everything. "Oh, I worked on this project, so, it was all worth it!" "I had to go through that to be here." Every attempt has resulted in failure. It is frankly desperate and pathetic. I can't even take an L with grace. Hope dried up a long time ago and any bit I'm drip-fed sends me manic. Does someone like that even deserve good news? 

But I'm training myself to be grateful for the lessons learned the hard way. The rational side of my mind says that's masochistic. The student of Joseph Campbell in me says this is all a test I need to pass. I'm trying to find meaning in the suffering. I'm trying to use the pressure to strengthen myself. I just have to keep pushing forward in the faith that someday I will be thankful for all of this, that someone else will be thankful for me. Right now that doesn't seem likely but I'm going to keep doing my best and work to forgive my failures. 

"Of This World" in Funeral Gallery was originally titled "Gratitude." I cut most of the plot in favor of an ending more appropriate for the collection. (Brendan driving towards an unknown future with a ghost of his past riding shotgun.) It originally was to end with him finding purpose in helping others and enriching the lives of those around him in his new environment. 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d3k7lBdMXQY9b2MnVwXR-1WLbJn2yao1bMdE2qtDZEE/edit

If you read this, or anything I've written, I am grateful for you. If you've already given up on me, I don't blame you and I am doing my best to prove you wrong.