forever fumbling. [prepare for the best]

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm stupid and repeat the same mistakes and repeat the same mistakes. I've been doing a creative experiment in preparation for the football book I'm organizing and wanted to see if someone can at once be both their best and their worst selves. I hadn't drank alone since August (once on the anniversary of my friend's passing but I think calling that drinking alone is a matter of perspective) as a rule and gave myself one week at the end of October, after realizing my best self, to put myself back to my worst. I wanted to do it just to show myself I could bounce back and as a reminder that I prefer a healthier lifestyle. And I did. It was fun but I prefer running and reading to drinking and gaming. I actually prefer studying and writing my book. That can be fun every now and again but it got old years ago. I just think drinking should be for celebration and alone time should be spent bettering oneself. I have too much I wanna do to waste my nights listening to hyperpop and replaying platformers. 

I always say that art is like alchemy, you turn shit into gold. You can make a negative experience into something beautiful. I felt like if I wanted my "Runaway" I needed my VMAs moment. I needed to feel intense shame and embarrassment and carry that weight while working on this book. So, I put myself through pretty intense what I would consider "emotional torture," just getting in the ring with my worst self every night, confronting every insecurity and regret I've collected thus far in life. I told myself the last week in October that it would be the last time I would ever let those feelings hold me back and after that week was up, I could never use them as an excuse again.
​I had a rule to drunk post as much as possible. Be obnoxious, say things I'll wake up to regret. I'm writing about high conflict, aggressive people, so, I wanted to start fights. I felt like in order to write about such themes I myself needed to be a controversial figure. I asked to be "cancelled" (Nobody knows or cares about me. What would they cancel? lol.) and threw a lot of shade. My approach was that of the only person in the room with nothing to lose because they already took everything I cared about away from me. I do feel that way but feel that energy can be channeled in a healthy direction. I needed all my worst nightmares to come true in order to become fearless. I told myself and others it was performance art and that is true but it's also self-destructive. The tortured artist bit only works if you're talented. I can embarrass myself well enough without trying. I have enough guilt and shame for a lifetime as it is. People aren't an audience; they're people. I proved my point: I'm capable of accomplishing things both greater and worse than I thought possible and it's my responsibility to make the right choice. I put my worst foot forward and tripped and fell--twice in two weeks, once while black out drunk and the other time while jogging. I can make people laugh and I can make them worry. 

But I don't want to cause concern. I want to be someone who relieves stress, not provokes it. I want to do my best all the time. My goal was to inflict a lot of shame upon myself so I could better relate to the characters in my book and I certainly did that. I gave myself one week and then another day (due to celebrating getting great news) to see what damage I could cause and it was more than enough for me. Now I get to take that all that shit and try to make something of it. 

I'm posting this now, on 11/04/2023, but will refrain from sharing it with anyone until at least a week from now, once I've proven I stayed true to all this. If I don't, please, cancel me.
EDIT: I did update this with an additional sentence or two.